It is March 3rd, 2007 around 11:00 p.m. - a full moon and eclipse tonight. I am alone in the
silence of the Neem Karoli Baba Ashram in Taos, New Mexico. I am staying here in the
dharmasala for three nights as I consider the most recent changes in my life and struggle to
follow where Spirit is leading me. I recently left Mt. Madonna Retreat Center in California to
come back to live and work in Taos. But things are not working out as planned. It seems my
plans are crumbling faster than I can put them back together and I am becoming more ill as
the days pass. In the midst of confusion, sadness and sickness Spirit enters in, first,
through the beauty of nature then, through the longings of my own soul.
As I stand and watch the moonlight on the trees and see it streaming through the window I
feel the awe of creation and realize that for me life isn’t all about this material plane. In this
moment it does not matter to me what job I have, what degrees I’ve earned, it doesn’t even
matter so much where I live, it would matter even less if I didn’t have to have money to
survive and if I didn’t like having a warm, comfortable place to sleep and spend my time. But
beyond that what truly matters most is connecting - connecting with myself, with the Divine,
with nature, with family, friends and an intimate partner. At the end of the day how have I
connected – how have I loved? The Divine is in all of it – me, nature, family, friends, a lover –
have I let it in or have I pushed it away, have I nurtured it and seen its value or have I
written it off as illogical, an illusion, a story? Have I seen and felt beneath the illusion, the
story, to the Divine that is beyond all of it, that makes it so sweet, so real, so beautiful?
Where is the heart of it all? Where is my heart right now – feeling so open, so full of grace
and surrender, so full of life and love for this moment of realization, this moment of beauty.
For in this moment I feel the love of my friends and family, I feel the moonlight touching my
soul, I feel my heart open and expand beyond what I could ever imagine would happen in
this moment at this time and in this place. I am blessed.
No matter who is in my life, who loves me, who rejects me, no matter if I have a comfortable
place to live or not – my heart is open, willing. I am finding myself more and more and losing
myself at the same time.
I am finding that it is important to me to connect – even if it is a five minute conversation in
the coffee shop. It is important to me to have deep intimate connections with my friends – it
is important to me to have close relationships with my family – it is important to me to share
my life with those around me. And, most important to me is to connect daily, moment by
moment with the Beloved, my soul and creation, to feel life pulsing and flowing through me.
It is important to me to live life fully – feel deeply, even if that means in the moment it is fully
living sadness, pain, and disappointment or joy, peace and love.
What does it truly mean to live an awakened life – is it the mystical experience of awakening,
is it the oneness that dissolves all separateness and illusion? How can I live an awakened life
from this place – when I still see separation, when I don’t see God in everyone and
everything – though I’m starting to see the Beloved more and more in it all - but there is still
the veil of separation. How I wish for the veil to dissolve. I can’t put off living from my heart,
living what is right now, while waiting for the mystery to fully reveal itself. All I can do is
recognize it as it moves through me and around me. All I can do is say 'yes' to what is
present and try to love all of it – even when I hate it, even when it hurts. How challenging
this is but oh how my heart opens to it – longs for it.
I realize how much I have not fully lived life in each moment as I see moments I’ve had with
the people I enjoy and care about and often was distracted by other things when I was with
them. I see how I haven’t been fully present in nature, during walks, or with a flower or a
tree. Often I was distracted with my own self, wrapped up in the minutia of my life thinking it
was more important than that very moment. How foolish of me not to have been fully
present with them – they are life, they are the mystery expressing. If I could put out
one battle cry to the masses it would be to WAKE UP. Wake up and fully, fully live life in
each moment – in such a deep way that it hurts, it hurts with the fullness of life,
with the bitter sweetness of loving, it hurts with the pain and the joy of it all.
What is this that is moving me, living me? How I long to know it, experience it and realize it
fully beyond all form, all thought. Reveal yourself to me – blow my world and my heart open
even further. May my tears be from the pure mystery that pounds through me, that wont
leave me alone and that there is no turning away from. The course is set, the journey has
gone too far, there is no turning back. I push on through the confusion, the
disappointments, the sadness, the longing – now peace, joy and surrender accompany me
through the depths. Oh, what a ride this journey of life. How I long to love even more and
surrender completely to it all. May I share this love, this Divine mysterious journey with
another so intimately that my heart explodes. May I see the Beloved in everyone and
everything and wish for nothing to be different - fully accepting what is. May I see the
Mystery in the sadness, pain, joy and peace. May my heart truly connect with others hearts
and may there be healing in the most profound ways. May the Beloved move through me in
thought, word and deed so that I’m a healing presence no matter where I am in the world.
Hear my heart crying out for you my Beloved and loved, my friend and companion. It cries
for the Mysterious Beloved beyond form and in its many forms. Open me beyond to embrace
it all.
silence of the Neem Karoli Baba Ashram in Taos, New Mexico. I am staying here in the
dharmasala for three nights as I consider the most recent changes in my life and struggle to
follow where Spirit is leading me. I recently left Mt. Madonna Retreat Center in California to
come back to live and work in Taos. But things are not working out as planned. It seems my
plans are crumbling faster than I can put them back together and I am becoming more ill as
the days pass. In the midst of confusion, sadness and sickness Spirit enters in, first,
through the beauty of nature then, through the longings of my own soul.
As I stand and watch the moonlight on the trees and see it streaming through the window I
feel the awe of creation and realize that for me life isn’t all about this material plane. In this
moment it does not matter to me what job I have, what degrees I’ve earned, it doesn’t even
matter so much where I live, it would matter even less if I didn’t have to have money to
survive and if I didn’t like having a warm, comfortable place to sleep and spend my time. But
beyond that what truly matters most is connecting - connecting with myself, with the Divine,
with nature, with family, friends and an intimate partner. At the end of the day how have I
connected – how have I loved? The Divine is in all of it – me, nature, family, friends, a lover –
have I let it in or have I pushed it away, have I nurtured it and seen its value or have I
written it off as illogical, an illusion, a story? Have I seen and felt beneath the illusion, the
story, to the Divine that is beyond all of it, that makes it so sweet, so real, so beautiful?
Where is the heart of it all? Where is my heart right now – feeling so open, so full of grace
and surrender, so full of life and love for this moment of realization, this moment of beauty.
For in this moment I feel the love of my friends and family, I feel the moonlight touching my
soul, I feel my heart open and expand beyond what I could ever imagine would happen in
this moment at this time and in this place. I am blessed.
No matter who is in my life, who loves me, who rejects me, no matter if I have a comfortable
place to live or not – my heart is open, willing. I am finding myself more and more and losing
myself at the same time.
I am finding that it is important to me to connect – even if it is a five minute conversation in
the coffee shop. It is important to me to have deep intimate connections with my friends – it
is important to me to have close relationships with my family – it is important to me to share
my life with those around me. And, most important to me is to connect daily, moment by
moment with the Beloved, my soul and creation, to feel life pulsing and flowing through me.
It is important to me to live life fully – feel deeply, even if that means in the moment it is fully
living sadness, pain, and disappointment or joy, peace and love.
What does it truly mean to live an awakened life – is it the mystical experience of awakening,
is it the oneness that dissolves all separateness and illusion? How can I live an awakened life
from this place – when I still see separation, when I don’t see God in everyone and
everything – though I’m starting to see the Beloved more and more in it all - but there is still
the veil of separation. How I wish for the veil to dissolve. I can’t put off living from my heart,
living what is right now, while waiting for the mystery to fully reveal itself. All I can do is
recognize it as it moves through me and around me. All I can do is say 'yes' to what is
present and try to love all of it – even when I hate it, even when it hurts. How challenging
this is but oh how my heart opens to it – longs for it.
I realize how much I have not fully lived life in each moment as I see moments I’ve had with
the people I enjoy and care about and often was distracted by other things when I was with
them. I see how I haven’t been fully present in nature, during walks, or with a flower or a
tree. Often I was distracted with my own self, wrapped up in the minutia of my life thinking it
was more important than that very moment. How foolish of me not to have been fully
present with them – they are life, they are the mystery expressing. If I could put out
one battle cry to the masses it would be to WAKE UP. Wake up and fully, fully live life in
each moment – in such a deep way that it hurts, it hurts with the fullness of life,
with the bitter sweetness of loving, it hurts with the pain and the joy of it all.
What is this that is moving me, living me? How I long to know it, experience it and realize it
fully beyond all form, all thought. Reveal yourself to me – blow my world and my heart open
even further. May my tears be from the pure mystery that pounds through me, that wont
leave me alone and that there is no turning away from. The course is set, the journey has
gone too far, there is no turning back. I push on through the confusion, the
disappointments, the sadness, the longing – now peace, joy and surrender accompany me
through the depths. Oh, what a ride this journey of life. How I long to love even more and
surrender completely to it all. May I share this love, this Divine mysterious journey with
another so intimately that my heart explodes. May I see the Beloved in everyone and
everything and wish for nothing to be different - fully accepting what is. May I see the
Mystery in the sadness, pain, joy and peace. May my heart truly connect with others hearts
and may there be healing in the most profound ways. May the Beloved move through me in
thought, word and deed so that I’m a healing presence no matter where I am in the world.
Hear my heart crying out for you my Beloved and loved, my friend and companion. It cries
for the Mysterious Beloved beyond form and in its many forms. Open me beyond to embrace
it all.
| Did I Connect Today? by Kaycie |
Harmony Mandala
| Living in harmony with the circle of life |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
